Is It Rest or Retreat? Learn to Tell the Difference
“Self-care” has become a buzzword in recent years—and for good reason. Taking time to care for your emotional, physical, and mental health is vital. But sometimes, what we call self-care is actually something else in disguise: avoidance.
So how do you know when you’re truly nourishing yourself versus when you’re sidestepping discomfort or responsibility?
Here’s how to spot the difference—and find balance between rest and growth.
What Is Self-Care, Really?
True self-care is about supporting your wellbeing, especially when life gets tough. It’s not always treating yourself, and it’s certainly not selfish. In fact, it can be quite the opposite—sometimes self-care means doing hard things that your future self will thank you for.
Examples of genuine self-care:
- Taking a walk when you’re overwhelmed
- Setting a boundary in a draining relationship
- Journaling to process emotions
- Saying no to an extra obligation
- Attending therapy or reaching out for help
Self-care refuels you. It helps you reconnect to your values and regain your sense of self.
What Does Avoidance Look Like?
Avoidance, on the other hand, is about numbing, distracting, or escaping. It often shows up when you’re facing discomfort, fear, or uncertainty—and instead of moving through it, you steer away.
Examples of avoidance in disguise:
- Calling it “self-care” when you’re really procrastinating
- Binge-watching TV to avoid dealing with hard feelings
- Sleeping all day to escape stress
- Scrolling for hours to avoid a difficult conversation
- Skipping responsibilities and labeling it “rest”
Avoidance can feel like temporary relief—but it often leads to more anxiety, guilt, or disconnection over time.
Questions to Help You Tell the Difference
If you’re unsure whether your behavior is helping or hindering your wellbeing, ask yourself:
- Does this choice help me feel more grounded or more disconnected?
- Am I avoiding something I know I need to face?
- Will I feel better or worse after this activity is over?
- Is this supporting my long-term wellbeing or just offering short-term relief?
- Am I being honest with myself about what I need right now?
A Healthy Balance: Rest and Responsibility
Self-care isn’t about perfection. It’s about intention. Sometimes, rest is the brave choice. Other times, action is. Often, it’s a mix of both.
- It’s okay to take a break—but check in with why.
- It’s okay to say no—but ask if you’re saying no to growth.
- It’s okay to unplug—but notice if you’re unplugging from yourself, too.
Self-care isn’t always soft. Sometimes, it’s setting the alarm early, having the hard conversation, or showing up even when you’d rather not.
Final Thought
Self-care and avoidance can look very similar on the surface—but they lead in different directions. Self-care moves you toward healing. Avoidance keeps you stuck.
The goal isn’t to judge yourself, but to get curious. To ask: What do I truly need right now?
When you answer that honestly, you’ll know which path you’re on—and how to take the next step forward with care.
